I frequently see some of the worst advice given out on sites like yahoo. Because of the high number of these articles addressing my gender, quality is certainly lacking in order to provide quantity. So, every now and then I'll zoom in on one and taze the shit out of it. For EQUALITY, of course.
10 Things a Good Boyfriend Won't Ask You to Do
We've all been in relationships where, at times, we've felt more like a mom or a secretary than a significant other. While we understand that healthy relationships require compromises, we've compiled a list of favors that good boyfriends know better than to consistently request. If you're constantly taking on any of the items on this list (especially with any hint of resentment), it's time to get your guy to lend a hand.
#1. His laundry
Pairing your socks isn't exactly our idea of a stay-at-home date, nor does living with you make us a 1950s housewife. A good compromise is for one partner to sort and start the laundry and the other to fold and put it away. Plus, studies show that helping around the house can increase intimacy. So, how 'bout that pile of dishes? If you clean up the sink while we tackle the living room, we'll be more likely to cuddle.
#2. Buy gifts and cards for other people on his behalf
We'll help when we're out with you, but no, we won't make a pit stop at Hallmark and Laura Ashley while we're shopping with the girls. Just because we're women doesn't mean we're automatically adept at figuring out your Aunt Martha's dress size.
#3. Plan an entire vacation without his help
When we ask you whether you'd rather spend our anniversary in Cabo or Vermont, we want you to express an actual preference, not to say, "Whatever, I'm happy with what makes you happy." The same goes for the hotel, the airline, and the restaurant reservations. Letting us take the reins isn't considerate, it's just lazy and boring. Instead, make sure to divvy up the planning. We pick the location and hotel, you plan the activities.
#4. Make him a sandwich
The refrigerator is 10 feet away and your game control has a pause button, so get up, stretch, and slap that ham and lettuce together by yourself. We don't care if you're "in the zone," because apparently, you were out of it long enough to articulate your immediate need for a nibble. Maybe we'll consider it if you agree to break from the game for 20 minutes, put on some coffee, and enjoy your afternoon snack with us.
#5. Change your relationship status on Facebook
We believe our life outside of the Internet should speak for itself. On the off-chance that we break up, wouldn't you rather tell your close friends in person, rather than have that ever-present broken heart appear on 500 people's newsfeeds? Well, we would, so don't even ask us to include our relationship status on Facebook in the first place.
#6. Be his wake-up call
Really, buy an alarm clock. Remembering a man's nap and wakeup schedule should be an occasional favor, not an everyday obligation.
#7. Hang out with his ex
Some women like befriending the ex, and others just want to satisfy their curiosity about her, but don't pressure the ones who would rather keep a distance.
#8. Keep up with his favorite shows
How would you like it if we made you religiously watch Desperate Housewives? Instead, let's pick a show we both like and make sure we follow it together.
#9. Lose weight
We'll tone up for health purposes and for ourselves, but if you're really concerned about the 5 lbs we gained over the holidays, don't flat-out complain that we're getting flabby. Instead, invite us to go biking with you or to take a yoga class together. Treat exercise as a fun activity we can do together instead of something that we should do just for you.
#10. Keep our hair long
Trust us, short hair is cute, fun, and just as feminine as back-length hair. Just look at Halle Berry, Audrey Tautou and Keira Knightley, circa 2005. It's not as if we're going to shave it off or sport one of Rihanna's hairstyles, but even if we did, we hope you'd find us just as attractive.
Well, all right, all right, all right. If you expect him to abide by the ^^above^^, then you better read up on the following*vv*
1. Your car
We're not going to change your oil or your tires. Take a class at the community college. We're more than a set of lugnuts.
2. Buying a car
We won't come with you to get the best price on whatever car you want to buy. If you're making a big purchase like that, pick up a book and quit expecting us to tell you when a salesman is blowing smoke up your ass.
3. Food
Next barbecue, cook your own damn steak. I'll fix mine, you fix yours, and there's your share and share alike world, Princess. A place where nobody can do anything nice without it secretly being a way to be sexist. It's a two-way street. Get used to it.
4. Your Period
Don't expect us to go buy you tampons or pads. You're a big girl, and you've been getting your period for a decade or more. i'd say that's enough time for you to damn well know how to plan ahead. If not, get your tubes tied. Either way, it's not my problem.
5. Our relationship
When your friends can give a better historical timeline of our relationship than we can, we have an issue. Quit plotting arguments with your best friends over some crap we did not even know upset you, because it's underhanded and devious. There should be two people in this damn argument, not three--you, me, and your 'bestie'.
6. Speaking of Clocks
Next time you're taking your merry-ass time getting dressed and you come in to the living room to find us ready on the couch, only to realize you made us over forty-five minutes late without me reminding you of the time, let me know how that feminist whining tastes. I bet it'll be nice and bitter.
7. Stand-In
Being friends with your mother is one thing. Taking her to her tanning appointment so you can go shopping ain't friggin' happening, so don't ask. I wouldn't ask you to take my own Pop to get his nuts waxed.
8. My shows=your movies
Dragging us to romantic comedies ends here and now, until you realize, or learn to tolerate, the awesomeness of Future Weapons, Spike TV, and Deadliest Warriors. Those shows last thirty minutes to an hour, yet every time Sandra Bullock or Kate Hudson sucks face in a theater, you pout to make us give in. And in public, no less.
9. Appearance
"You're not wearing that to dinner, are you?" Yes. Yes, the fuck, we are.
10. Facial hair
Learn to love it. It's not going anywhere. Just look at Stone Cold, Robert Downey Jr, or WhoTheHell from Grey's Anatomy. It's not as if we're going to shave it off or sport one of Ice Cubes earliest renditions, but even if we did, we hope you'd find us just as attractive.
This is great chere. HA!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Crow!
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