Online Dating, a How-To Guide!

Online Dating.

The idea connotes much more than it used to.  Stigma, what stigma?  Internet Dating has moved on to realms we don’t even think of as internet dating, but it is. It is easier to ask somebody for a webpage or the ever-faithful “Do you get texts?”, because it is less threatening. So, even people who meet in person eventually interact online as a third of their beginning relationship. Yes, I pulled that figure right out of my ass, but I wanted to drive the point home. It is not founded in science, and if you claim it is, people will laugh at you, myself included.  

But how many of you send emails, texts, IM’s to your insignificant other? It is natural to do, now.

Cannot make a date? Text.

Want to confirm the date? Myspace.

Need to talk, but afraid you will lose the nerve? IM

Technology has become our dating middle-man in the beginning of a relationship. People even use text messages to break up. “Fwd: You’ve been run over by the dump train, puto! Casualties? Just you!”

Dating has evolved online. Where once sexual deviants roamed…well, they still roam, but it is no longer taboo to date someone you met online. Just like all other aspects of life, there are downsides. With the evolution of dating technology comes tactics that are already worn out and situations you really should have avoided altogether.

Don’t I know you?

-We have all had this conversation:

     Southern Gentleman: Hey, thanks for the add. How are you? What’s up?

     Single N’ Minglin’: I’m good. You?

     Southern Gentleman: I’m good, too. Just chillin’. What did you do this weekend?

     Single N’ Minglin’: Not much. You?

     Southern Gentleman: Same here. So, what are you looking for?

     Single N’ Minglin’: Nothing, really. Why?

     Southern Gentleman: Oh, no reason. Just trying to get to know you.

     Single N‘ Minglin‘: Oh, well, then I guess in a guy I’d look for somebody with a good sense of humor, attentive, doesn’t play games. I guess that’d make me picky, but I prefer to think of it as knowing what I want.”

     Southern Gentleman: That’s cool. I’m looking for the same.

The problem: You are starting a conversation in a way that we, particularly on networking sites, have had many variations of. You are literally just a number, and anybody tired of it will respond a few times to be polite, then flat out ignore you.
The solution: Find a way to stand out.  To do this begin by talking about something specific other than 'how work was', 'what you do this weekend', or 'what do you do for fun'.

Instead, think harmless specifics:
     Fun
     Food
     Fashion
     Frequency.
Yeah, about all the F's...I figured I'd start with F words, and if you follow my guidelines, you might get lucky and end with one. 
FUN-Don not ask what she does for fun. Tell her what you get the biggest kick out of, and see if she can relate.

--“My daughter, son, and I play the old school Super Mario Bros. every Monday night, as long as they’ve done all their homework.

(You have just mentioned you have children without apologizing or sounding defensive. Double plus, + +)

--“Last week, she and her older brother fixed snacks for Mario Mondays. M&M’s and popcorn in the same bowl. All the M&M’s sank to the bottom before the first level was over. Next week, they’re plotting the addition of marshmallow crème…”

(You have shared a normal, every day situation and kept it concise, which invites the other person to respond and possibly share an experience of their own. In this instance, you can learn a lot about how people feel dating someone with children by how they respond. Someone who has practical experience with kids or likes kid will share a story remarkably similar to yours or see the humor in the situation. Someone who doesn’t like kids will find it an opportunity to complain. Think of it as a bullshit filter.)

FOOD-Instead of asking her favorite food, tell her a disastrous story about a time you tried to cook or a funny story about a place you have eaten at.

--“I had to re-paint my kitchen, after that…”

--“I laughed and told her not to worry about it. It’d wash out, and nobody would see it until I stood up, anyways…”

FASHION-Does your fashion consist of everything Amy at the mall recommends? Say that. It is not bad to be uninvolved with fashion, or to let people know your dark secret, either. Some ineptitude is actually endearing.

FREQUENCY-Anything you do regularly (baseball games, karaoke nights, dancing, laser tag, air hockey at the volunteer center, etc) can be a way to establish interest in a non-threatening manner.

--“Hey. My friends and I normally get together every other Tuesday at Sumo Joe’s. It’s got the best ribs in town. You should meet us there, and bring a few of your friends. We’ll have a helluva good time.”

You have just established:

     A) Separate vehicles

     B) Public meeting

     C) His and Hers friends (Who will then screen you. Your willingness to endure that speaks highly of your belief in self, and shows you know how to defuse pressure in a dating situation.)

     D) Relaxed atmosphere (Helluva is a good icebreaker for the simple fact that it is somewhat neutral, but still a word you don’t want to teach kids ten and under. By using it, you establish adult conversation and atmosphere immediately, but still have a somewhat non-potty mouth.)

Freestyle Bio

So, what is a freestyle bio? Well, when someone introduces themselves to you online in paragraph form to give you the condensed version of who they are, that is their freestyle bio. Some will literally divulge their entire lives in a freestyle bio which has been sent out so many times words have been chiseled off by negligent fingers during the pasting process. They are meant to impress, but they often end up with the opposite reaction.  Guys seem to do this more than women, so I have come to think of them as Summary of Penis Application & Management.  SPAM for short, as they share similar traits with mass emailers. 

The problem: Prospects are eager to prove how normal they are, yet still seem far superior to anyone else,  so while trying to do this they end up sending vast amounts of information singles do not give a shit about. She does not care you medaled four times in track during high school. She hasn’t even said hello back, yet. He does not care you kicked your previous boyfriend out for putting nair on your Shitzu. He hasn’t even seen your Facebook boobs pic, yet.

Slap them with the interesting, yet SHORT. An introductory email should include tidbits, not a chronological outline of every major and minor event to occur in your 46 years of existence. You’ve been divorced five years? Fine. We do not need to know your ex had a child behind your back with (insert family member here). Save that for mutual Scare-n-Share time, LATER. Trust me, we’ve got a few skeletons in our closet, too.

The solution: