Online Dating, a How-To Guide! Pt 2

A few more things to watch out for (Yes, I know I started with 2. There's a method to my madness.):

2. Idle Worship

--It is not a relationship requirement no matter what you do or what you think is owed you. If we are really interested, do not treat us like groupies. No matter what people tell you, to us ‘you’re not kind of a big deal’, yet. Reserve that for the butterfly stage. If we are a match, you will become kind of a big deal. That‘s how this works.

There is a difference between cockiness and confidence, which you damn well know. Do not include your ego in your freestyle bio.

Offender 1-Website promotion

--Yes, it is interesting you run a business online, or have a popular blog or band. No, I do not want to forward the information to ten to fifteen of my closest friends. You do realize I have things going for me on the internet too, right? Did I ask you to whore yourself for me on our first date? No. Then why are you?

I am not a fan. I am someone you are dating. Save the promotion for your day job. How far you got in two years because of the thirty two articles you wrote is interesting, but we don’t want to read the articles. Pleasure and business do not mix, because somebody inevitably ends up feeling like a prostitute when the relationship is over.

Whatever and whoever you are online is your persona. No matter how ‘real‘ you are, you still have the freedom to edit yourself and every interaction. We do not want the edit. We want the actual person. Mention whatever your internet interests are with tact and brevity, list the website, and leave it at that. That is it. If we want to know more, we will ask. Do not include every detail of your internet career in your freestyle bio.

Offender 2-Are you in a band?

--No, we are not going to download your music off itunes. If we are female and the relationship fails, it would only remind us of that. Unload the music on us later, once we have gotten to know you as YOU. Believe me, Spudnik, we’ll be more impressed with the musical side of you once we know YOU you. Do not include or pimp your music in your freestyle bio beyond mentioning what you play and the band name.

Offender 3-Do you have 10 level 80’s on World of Whorecraft?

--Who gives a shit, besides your guild? Unless you are both Wo-Ho’s, mentioning you play should be as far as you go. Take my word for it, she/he has no clue what the hell you are talking about.

I know, I know. They said, “That’s cool.”

They lied.

That’s cool is code for ‘That‘s nice, but I don’t care.‘
Only pursue the subject if THEY further it (questions or comments) after you mention it. There is nothing more boring to someone who is not a Wo-Ho than listening to someone else try to put in words their Wo-Ho joys and tribulations. Do not mention WoW twice in your freestyle bio.

Offender 4-Are you fifteen different profiles of varying ethnicity and sexual orientation?

--Wow. That’s cool. So you can literally have group sex and go screw yourself, but it still counts as masturbation. Only include the sexual orientation in your freestyle bio. Otherwise we will wonder why you have four profiles that are Thai women, two that are bull dykes from Virginia, and one account for each of your nuts, Sid and Shifty.

Offender 5-Are you a hot chick?

--That is great. No, really. It is amazing how long you can hold that position, but the world does not revolve around you no matter how many thousands of friends you have. Talking about how hot you are or how hot other people think you are is like watching an elephant at the zoo. Might kickass to look at and occasionally listen to, but I don’t want to take it home with me permanently because it‘s just not worth all the damn trouble. And complaining about how hot you are? Nobody bought it the first time. Drop it and be genuine. We've got eyes. We know your breasts and lips are perfect. Now, we want to reach a little higher.

3. What you see is not always what you get

--So do not be surprised. Be flexible. It's like ebay.  Might have a little wear and tear, but it could the only one left of it's kind.  If you are smart, you will look past ten extra pounds, breasts that might not be as perky as they once were, or a guy whose six pack has dwindled to one of the midget packs my husband buys for me.  Be FLEXIBLE.  It might be the best decision you ever made.

And if you do not post current photos because of some unwanted physical aspect, tell the person. Otherwise, you set yourself up for a bitter evening, and half of the pain from that night is your own doing. Not everyone will be flexible, so avoid the pain by being honest.

4. The Three Day Rule

--On the internet, the three day rule for calling somebody back does not apply. If you have gotten a message, respond in four to six hours after receipt.

Why you should: most websites include a last login, so if you login and do not respond, the potential love interest will know you intentionally ignored them. Even a ‘Hey, really tired, so I’ll respond to your email in the morning. Gotta get to bed before I drop.‘ is better than reading it and flat out ignoring it.

This does not apply to text messages or offline IM’s. Ignore those at your own risk.

Cell phones make men and women crazy, because they are associated with instant access. Or actually, they just make it possible to put crazy on Speed Dial when aforementioned access is denied.

Any response that is not immediate is annoying or worrisome, because everyone is cybernetically trackable these days. I am telling you it is far, far easier to respond with a quick message, than to ignore 22 messages in a row. A lot of plans charge to receive texts, and let’s face it-- a hysterical person can get text happy and send the following:

     8:02-Hey.

     8:02-I had a lot of fun last night. Miss u.

     8:04-Z that chee-Z? Lol!

     8:10-U there?

     8:11-Txt me bak wen u get dis

     8:17-?

     8:25-Where r u?

     8:26-U stll comin?

     8:40-Gettn worried

     8:45-Calld u job. U not there?

     8:51-Where r u?

     8:52-??

     8:59-Call me wen u get dis

     9:00-Dc what time it z, call pls

     11:00-R u mad @ me?

     11:13-What did I do?

     12:00-If u didn’t want 2 c me nemore, u cud have jus said so.

     1:34-Fuk u. I don’t haf 2 take dis.

     2:02-And yeah, it Z too small. I‘d say never to show nobody, but u ain‘t got dat problem as it is!

     2:03-I’m deletin u 4m my phone. Bye.

     2:10-U there?

Save yourself a lot of trouble by being true to your word. It will save you a potential headache. Guys, I am serious. The drama you get when you do not call or show up as you said is 100% preventable by you.  Ladies, that fact does NOT let you off the hook.  More on that in a moment.

Online dating makes this situation EASIER, not harder, folks.

To demonstrate a genuine care for someone, try to contact them in at least two ways if you cannot get a hold of them using one form of technology. Voicemail and email, text and myspace, text and offline, voicemail and offline, whichever you choose is fine, but make sure it is not voicemail and text, because if their phone is broken, they will get neither message.

And it is completely possible for a sane, logical person to send half of the above conversation. They are invested in you, so they can be concerned or worry. You have 100% control of how much they will worry, so keep that in mind. If you cannot call from your phone because it is broken, borrow one. Make the effort, because they’re making the emotional investment.

For the frequent texters, stick your thumbs in ice water after the first five messages. If you can't ice your thumbs, sit on them, paint your nails, burn 'em on the stove, disable T9 if you're illiterate, suck 'em; do what you have to do not to harrass somebody with what is supposed to be an expression of caring about them. If they still have not responded after five message, use common sense.
         A) They cannot
         B) They will not

Those are the possibilities. And BOTH of those scenarios are out of your control.  2 or 20 text messages will not change that. Quit scaring people away with your neediness. You are better than that, so be better than that.

5. Do not kiss and tell

Something to consider about relationship privacy

--The beginning of a relationship is very fragile and intimate. Sharing that with the world as it happens puts pressure on both, because you inevitably end up with too many stay-at-home psychiatrists reviewing your relationship.  Confiding on the phone to a friend or in IM is different for the fact that it is not public and permanent.  What if the new person doesn’t want to be twittered about? Or blogged about? Or as two verses in your latest song? How can it be intimate if it’s gotten 200 views today, alone? The glue in the beginning of the relationship is the secret world only the two of you are aware of. Be selfish about it.

Try keeping a Microsoft Works Diary to record the moment, and post after a reasonable amount of time has passed (days, weeks, months, depends on the two of you).  This way the interaction stays intimate and personal long enough that a healthy bond is established from it. You will know the time has come to post it when you both stumble over each other’s words to laughingly tell others how the two of you came about. It is completely normal to want to share your happiness, but know when to lock your lips and keep your lover to yourself and when it is time to share.

6. Mutual friends

--Do not contact mutual friends or other close friends of the person you are interested in to find out what they think of you. Not only do you put the friends in a difficult position, but you also demonstrate a lack of trust. It comes off unsettling, and will look desperate. Yep, that’s pretty much it.

7. Do not stalk their Ex

--Many people will remain friends with their exes, and have them on their friendlist on websites. Checking once, just once, will become a habit. You will feel compelled to keep checking to make sure there is nothing untoward going on, and you will eventually become convinced there IS something going on, even if there is not. Once somebody suspects that their mate is cheating, it is almost impossible to accept any other possibility.

     ‘I didn’t catch you…this time.’

     ‘Just because you’re not doing it right now doesn’t mean you aren’t doing it.’

The only cure is also the cancer. Once that suspicion is fostered, for many the only way to break it is to get it from the horse’s mouth via sneaky methods (checking texts, spying on IM‘s, listening by the bedroom door to phone calls), and by then you have already sentenced your relationship to a slow painful death because you decided to be nosey instead of having a little faith in someone. Only suspect the worst when there is a cause for it. Their ex being hot in their profile pic does not qualify.

8. Do not Bitch and Tell

--Yes, there is a reason this comes directly after not stalking an ex, so take heed. The first fight in a relationship is important, and much like a first orgasm. It is fragile for the very fact that neither of you know what to expect from the other, yet. Talking about it in a blog during the fight will make the person wonder if that is what they can expect every time: Are you always going to do this? Are we never to have privacy during intimate issues?

What is more important? Putting it online to get sympathy and pats on the back from fifty people you kinda know, or to work on it with the person you are in the relationship with and forget why you fought in the first place?

Inviting spectators into an ongoing situation to play supportive roles and stroke your sense of being right will divide you from your love interest, rather than draw you closer to them.

The cardinal rule for relationship blogging is never blog about an ongoing fight. Share after you have reached a resolution, if you must.

You can think I am being cruel, but I have watched many a couple sour and become enemies for doing that very thing. Sitting here counting, I can pull to mind nine couples who went out with a cyber bang and inadvertently drug whole circles of people into their own, personal Vesuvius before the relationships had even cooled and the remnant of the last time they got jiggy made it to the dumpster.

Keep it personal (diary, OFFLINE friends, etc) until it (the fight) is over. If you want advice immediately, call a friend or discuss it over IM. Publicising will get a response, and many online friends will feel obligated to bash your love interest to make you feel better. A few will even get rabid about it (One woman I know literally messaged every female on her friends‘ exes list to tell them why the relationship ended. About 70 women, and this was before the group mail option).

It doesn’t matter how many people tell you that you are right, because they are not the ones who suck, fuck, and tuck you into bed, now are they?

9. Don’t join all of the websites they are on

--This is like smothering someone in person by calling and showing up everywhere. The internet is a big place. Being on six of the eight websites an interest is isolating and stiffling, not to mention really goddamn annoying.

No matter what your intentions, it feels like you’re keeping tabs. Having a few in common is fine, but not all. Do not force your way into someone's life.

10. The internet is not mighty putty

--Take a step back and evaluate the role technology plays in your life. If you lost your job or had to move somewhere without internet access, would your relationship survive? Money and distance have been hurdles for many couples, yet they still managed to make it without the internet. Technology is a tool, a convenience, not a crutch.

The internet is a substitute for in-person interaction. It does not replace any of the duties you have in a relationship. Think about this: If someone used a text message to break up with you, were you really together? Have you fought about a top friends position? Do you bend the rules of your relationship where cyber sex is concerned? Do you have nude photos your mate does not know about? Have you worried extensively over a comment on your mate's profile, pondering all possible significance of the word 'hottie'?

Do not let the internet define where the emphasis is in your relationship. Your relationship must be stable OUTSIDE of the internet, first. If you meet online, take your relationship offline to stabilize it. Unplug and go off the grid so you can get to know each other as a couple (be selfish!), and not just what your expectations are of each other. Expectations do not a relationship make, particularly if those expectations never have the chance to be realized.

Make sure you are solid offline, and then go back to internet communication, but keep part of yourselves offline. I talk about my husband a lot, but there are things - personal things - between us none of you will ever know. Be stable offline first, otherwise you are building a house on sand. You might have the materials, but stability takes elbow grease of the sexual, emotional, and mental compatibility kind. Until you're confident in being a couple offline, the big bad wolf can blow you down should your internet or phone be out of commission.

What’s that mean? It means a hurricane can end your relationship. A power outage can end your relationship. A late bill payment can end your relationship. Wouldn’t you rather it were you and your mate with the sole power of determining the success of your relationship?

1. Internet Advice

-And lastly, but most importantly, make sure you take anything you read on the internet with a grain of salt, even this. It doesn’t matter if the author writes for Marie Claire, Maxim, or Stuff. It will never all apply to YOU.

Many writers will prey on fears that are natural to every couple. It is the name of the game. You are the only one who controls how much these people influence your relationships. Type it with me.  Y-O-U...