The Hot Toddy To My E-Cig Woes

9 things I've learned from using E-Cigs 

1. If you're wondering what it is comparable to, I have the answer.  Hookah.  If you've ever tried one in a hookah bar or at a hippy friends house, this will seem similar.  The taste is cleaner, the flavor is more distinct, and the hit is smoother. 

2. You're not limited to smoking an entire cigarette or half of one.  Your smoking habits begin to change.  You can puff away continuously, or you can take a puff in between bites of food or randomly for a quick shot.  I promise, your cigarette habits WILL be altered.  The ball and chain of tobacco is gone!

3. Weather and location can mean outside smoking.  Not for the E-Cig, though.  No more standing under windy, rained on awnings with a group of strangers clustered up by the common thread of smoking.  

4. No ashes means no burning.  I actually have two relatives who died one night after one of them smoked in bed and fell asleep.  Here, you can take a puff and drop the little sucker directly a stack of gasoline laden cotton and it's not going to ignite.  The coil which heats is on the INSIDE, which means no exposure to flammable objects.  Zero.  Zip.  Nada, tada!

5. It's four AM.  Your cartridge is empty.  You need a 'smoke'.  No more trips to the gas station, though.  All you need is the E-Liquid, which you can order online when your supply gets low-- and the fun part is, 'low' can still last me for days!  Most of the bottles I've received are the size of eye-droppers and cost between five to ten dollars.  They last for a few weeks or even months depending on how often you vape.  It no longers costs me the gas to and from the store a couple of times a week, plus the cost of a pack of cigarettes.  Now, shucks baby, that don't suck! Not'ta'tall!

6. My dogs aren't effected, whereas the smoke used to make one of them occasionally sneeze.

7. You can sit in the back of class, at the doctor's office, or in an elevator and vape.  The smell isn't pervasive and the smoke dissipates quickly, making it a method which can be very lowkey if you desire.

8. Family members will STOP COMPLAINING! 
     For the most part, anyways.

9. There are a variety of flavors.  Two I have are Tennessee Cured and Wisconsin Mint, which are flavors from the Johnson Creek SmokeJuice company.  Johnson Creek Smoke Juice  Tennessee Cured has the rich undertone of caramel and is very smooth.  Wisconsin Mint, on the other hand, is refreshing and crisp.  It doesn't give you the awkward taste in your mouth normally found after smoking menthol cigarettes.  It's light and subtle.   In addition to these, at JoCo you can find Island (I hear tastes like pina colada), Marcado (clove and cinnamon with a touch of robust cigar), Solstice (watermelon, raspberry, honeydew, and mint), and even Swiss Dark chocolate (which, from what I hear, people are even using to quench chocolate cravings!).  If I get them, I'll review.  
At eliquidplanet, there are tons of flavors.  Almond, Apple, Banana (which I hear is very popular all across the board, haven't tried), Capuccino, Whiskey, Green Tea (which I'm tempted to smoke simply for the irony), Dr. Pepper (or Dr. Pep), Fruit Punch, Black Tea, Orange Dreamsicle, Coconut Cream, Lemon Meringue, Pear, Kiwi, Ginger, Carmel, Cotton Candy (aka Carnival Cotton), Champagne, Honey, Jasmine, and even - EWW, by the way) - licorice (aka Lico-Root).  That is just an incredibly short list of what Eliquidplanet has.  The website also offers flavorless with varying amounts of nicotine (high/low, etc.) for the buyer to purchase and mix their own!  So, not only are you introduced to a world of extreme possibility, the world is ever-changing to accomodate and facilitate your needs and tastes and even approves of you going mad scientist to find that perfect flavor.  Now, that is a choice selection, PUTO!  What u waitin' for, huh? 
For those of you unfamiliar with ecigs, I posted a blog a while back about them. They are a fantastic concept, but when I began using them I had to endure a few crappy products and even worse customer service. Prado, for instance, allowed you to try their product for ten days and return it if you didn't like it. The only problem is the TEN DAYS began WHEN YOU ORDERED, not when you received the product. I received it on the final day, which meant returning it was impossible. Hello $150 buck loss (another kick in the huevos, the site said $90!)  Had the product made up for it, I might have continued to order online despite their money hungry sales tactics, but it sucked major donkey dingle.

Now, I have to state clearly ecigs are not a smoking cessation device; however, few people use them and plan on also smoking cigarettes in conjunction.  The reality is you are still smoking, and you're smoking straight nicotine with some flavoring.  A lot of Ecigs have a type of regulation device, so it will shut off for a very, very short period if you use it excessively.  At first that pissed me off, but since this is still something new we don't know the after effects of, I kind of appreciate that fact now.

I found I did not immediately switch completely to using an e-cig.  I still craved regular cigarettes, but a markedly different level from what I previously did.  As time has passed, I've relied less on ash and more on ashless.  My wardrobe and the general public thanks me.

If you've tried ECigs and were disappointed, try another brand.  Honestly, when you find the right product, it makes all the difference.  Additionally, don't be afraid to try one of the bigger models.  Yeah, I know, the micros are cute and can be convenient for their size, but you sacrifice battery length and vapor production when you get a smaller unit.  I suggest going for a pen style first, then going larger or smaller depending on your need. Less of a smoker, get a mini. More of a smoker, go heavy-duty (I recommend a smaller first, however).
 

Why get an ECig, though?
Why?

Your house doesn't smell like burnt toothpaste and tobacco leaves.
YOU don't smell like burnt toothpaste and tobacco leaves.
People in PUBLIC do not glare at you. I swear, I do NOT get disapproving stares with these things. Quite the opposite. I seem to make friends because people are so curious about it.

A forgivable tradeoff, according to this midget. That's what I have rude shirts for, right?

The problem was Gamucci and Prado simply didn't seem to measure up, so I waited and waited for a phenomenal model to hit the market. I heard about the Volcano and researched it (supposed to be very good, although I haven't tried it, yet). While researching, I stumbled across Vapor Tokers. This company is a rising star in the Ecig world, and with absoludicrously good reason. (EAT IT, HUBS! YOU WILL CONCEDE THE WORD!)

On a whim, I forgot about the Volcano Ecigs and ordered from Vapor Tokers. The Toker 1 kit was $69. While checking out, I registered as a customer and received 10% off. That means even with shipping, my total came to $67.  The kit comes with five cartridges (which is a small plastic tube about the size of a cigarette filter and holds wool or cotton saturated with a nicotine liquid), two batteries, one atomizer, a charger, and a bottle of ELiquid-Menthol.  Now, the way these work is simple.  You put the cartridge on the end of the atomizer, and screw the atomizer onto the battery.  You take a drag from the end of the cartridge, the air flow activates the battery which causes the atomizer to heat and creates the nicotine vapor (from the Nicotine ELiquid) you enhale.  Since it's vapor, it dissipates very quickly and leaves no lingering smell.   

I ordered this kit on Tuesday. I received it on Friday. Three days is all it took. In fact, I received an email Tuesday night it had already shipped.

I would want this company to have my babies, if the company were a female and I had a penis, that is.

I sent an email stating how excited I was for the product considering how quickly it was shipped and how great the customer service seemed. They responded very quickly and told me to call for tips when I received it. So, thirty minutes ago, I did.

I spoke with Kalei. He explained how to clean the atomizer, common mistakes, and the difference between the Toker 1 (which is automatic) and the Fatty (which is manual, meaning you push a button and then enhale). Problem parts, he said, the company is happy to replace, even footing the bill for the shipping. I also told him how surprised I'd been to receive it so quickly (although I did know it was a possibility, but I honestly did not think it would take three days. I thought four or five was more likely.) Kalei responded, "Being in Hawaii, we didn't want our customers to FEEL the distance when they ordered."

Can I get a 'fuck, that rocks'?

You can imagine my surprise when I also realized he was really telling me what he knew about the product and not reading from a script. Holy shit, is that legal?
He sounded like a close friend who'd recently bought something they were excited about, not like a sales rep or customer service rep in any way. In other words, the way they respond to their customers is that down home southern, 'aww, sugar, you're colder than a witches titty in a brass bra, you just sit rit' there and I'mma fix ya a nice cuppa cocoa' feeling from when you were a kid (or cuppa cocoa with some alcohol if you're now an adult, cuz grandma don't quit takin' care of ya just cuz' you got older!). Yes, this company really is the hot toddy to my Ecig woes. 

 Vapor Tokers

Link:

The website has a lot of information about ecigarettes, and the company is more than happy to answer any questions.  If you've considered trying, now is the time.  You have NOTHING to lose but smoke and ashtray smell, so check 'em out!

Saturday Update:  I've had the Toker for about a day and I've changed the battery twice.  Compared to changing the Gamucci every two hours or so (and the Pradon't about the same, but with markedly less vapor production), this is phenomenal particularly for the Toker's pretty modest size (think the length and width of a good writing pen).  I changed the battery early AM and my husband and I have both been puffing away on it all day.  So far, this product is truly an awesome find.  

Sunday, a week from the Saturday update: On Tuesday I got a knock in the head on campus by a guy riding his bike.  (Bitchnugget, if I were a Potterhead, I'd hope you were a victim of bicycular expeliarmus)  I lost my Toker 1.  I...was MONDO, HUMONGA, INSANELY NITROED the hell off.  I called the company and had a replacement by Saturday (although I didn't know it until today).  The shipping and customer service here is, once again, phenomenal.  As for the Toker 1, you get very used to this thing in a short period, though as I said, you will still crave ash for a while.  The move to ashless nicotine will not be all at once, but when completed you really notice things like your house smelling fresher, your breath less UNfresh, and the sweet reality of the inapplicability of NO SMOKING signs!  

The Man's Companion Guide

I frequently see some of the worst advice given out on sites like yahoo.  Because of the high number of these articles addressing my gender, quality is certainly lacking in order to provide quantity.  So, every now and then I'll zoom in on one and taze the shit out of it.  For EQUALITY, of course.

 

10 Things a Good Boyfriend Won't Ask You to Do

By dating editor Denise Ngo for YourTango.com

We've all been in relationships where, at times, we've felt more like a mom or a secretary than a significant other. While we understand that healthy relationships require compromises, we've compiled a list of favors that good boyfriends know better than to consistently request. If you're constantly taking on any of the items on this list (especially with any hint of resentment), it's time to get your guy to lend a hand.

#1. His laundry

Pairing your socks isn't exactly our idea of a stay-at-home date, nor does living with you make us a 1950s housewife. A good compromise is for one partner to sort and start the laundry and the other to fold and put it away. Plus, studies show that helping around the house can increase intimacy. So, how 'bout that pile of dishes? If you clean up the sink while we tackle the living room, we'll be more likely to cuddle.

#2. Buy gifts and cards for other people on his behalf

We'll help when we're out with you, but no, we won't make a pit stop at Hallmark and Laura Ashley while we're shopping with the girls. Just because we're women doesn't mean we're automatically adept at figuring out your Aunt Martha's dress size.

#3. Plan an entire vacation without his help

When we ask you whether you'd rather spend our anniversary in Cabo or Vermont, we want you to express an actual preference, not to say, "Whatever, I'm happy with what makes you happy." The same goes for the hotel, the airline, and the restaurant reservations. Letting us take the reins isn't considerate, it's just lazy and boring. Instead, make sure to divvy up the planning. We pick the location and hotel, you plan the activities.

#4. Make him a sandwich

The refrigerator is 10 feet away and your game control has a pause button, so get up, stretch, and slap that ham and lettuce together by yourself. We don't care if you're "in the zone," because apparently, you were out of it long enough to articulate your immediate need for a nibble. Maybe we'll consider it if you agree to break from the game for 20 minutes, put on some coffee, and enjoy your afternoon snack with us.

#5. Change your relationship status on Facebook

We believe our life outside of the Internet should speak for itself. On the off-chance that we break up, wouldn't you rather tell your close friends in person, rather than have that ever-present broken heart appear on 500 people's newsfeeds? Well, we would, so don't even ask us to include our relationship status on Facebook in the first place.

#6. Be his wake-up call

Really, buy an alarm clock. Remembering a man's nap and wakeup schedule should be an occasional favor, not an everyday obligation.

#7. Hang out with his ex

Some women like befriending the ex, and others just want to satisfy their curiosity about her, but don't pressure the ones who would rather keep a distance.

#8. Keep up with his favorite shows

How would you like it if we made you religiously watch Desperate Housewives? Instead, let's pick a show we both like and make sure we follow it together.

#9. Lose weight

We'll tone up for health purposes and for ourselves, but if you're really concerned about the 5 lbs we gained over the holidays, don't flat-out complain that we're getting flabby. Instead, invite us to go biking with you or to take a yoga class together. Treat exercise as a fun activity we can do together instead of something that we should do just for you.

#10. Keep our hair long

Trust us, short hair is cute, fun, and just as feminine as back-length hair. Just look at Halle Berry, Audrey Tautou and Keira Knightley, circa 2005. It's not as if we're going to shave it off or sport one of Rihanna's hairstyles, but even if we did, we hope you'd find us just as attractive.

 

Well, all right, all right, all right.  If you expect him to abide by the ^^above^^, then you better read up on the following*vv*

1. Your car
We're not going to change your oil or your tires. Take a class at the community college. We're more than a set of lugnuts.

2. Buying a car
We won't come with you to get the best price on whatever car you want to buy. If you're making a big purchase like that, pick up a book and quit expecting us to tell you when a salesman is blowing smoke up your ass.

3. Food
Next barbecue, cook your own damn steak. I'll fix mine, you fix yours, and there's your share and share alike world, Princess. A place where nobody can do anything nice without it secretly being a way to be sexist. It's a two-way street. Get used to it.

4. Your Period
Don't expect us to go buy you tampons or pads. You're a big girl, and you've been getting your period for a decade or more.  i'd say that's enough time for you to damn well know how to plan ahead.  If not, get your tubes tied.  Either way, it's not my problem. 

5. Our relationship
When your friends can give a better historical timeline of our relationship than we can, we have an issue. Quit plotting arguments with your best friends over some crap we did not even know upset you, because it's underhanded and devious. There should be two people in this damn argument, not three--you, me, and your 'bestie'.

6. Speaking of Clocks
Next time you're taking your merry-ass time getting dressed and you come in to the living room to find us ready on the couch, only to realize you made us over forty-five minutes late without me reminding you of the time, let me know how that feminist whining tastes. I bet it'll be nice and bitter.

7. Stand-In
Being friends with your mother is one thing.  Taking her to her tanning appointment so you can go shopping ain't friggin' happening, so don't ask. I wouldn't ask you to take my own Pop to get his nuts waxed.

8. My shows=your movies
Dragging us to romantic comedies ends here and now, until you realize, or learn to tolerate, the awesomeness of Future Weapons, Spike TV, and Deadliest Warriors. Those shows last thirty minutes to an hour, yet every time Sandra Bullock or Kate Hudson sucks face in a theater, you pout to make us give in.  And in public, no less. 

9. Appearance
"You're not wearing that to dinner, are you?" Yes.  Yes, the fuck, we are.

10. Facial hair
Learn to love it. It's not going anywhere.  Just look at Stone Cold, Robert Downey Jr, or WhoTheHell from Grey's Anatomy.  It's not as if we're going to shave it off or sport one of Ice Cubes earliest renditions, but even if we did, we hope you'd find us just as attractive.

Online Dating, a How-To Guide! Pt 2

A few more things to watch out for (Yes, I know I started with 2. There's a method to my madness.):

2. Idle Worship

--It is not a relationship requirement no matter what you do or what you think is owed you. If we are really interested, do not treat us like groupies. No matter what people tell you, to us ‘you’re not kind of a big deal’, yet. Reserve that for the butterfly stage. If we are a match, you will become kind of a big deal. That‘s how this works.

There is a difference between cockiness and confidence, which you damn well know. Do not include your ego in your freestyle bio.

Offender 1-Website promotion

--Yes, it is interesting you run a business online, or have a popular blog or band. No, I do not want to forward the information to ten to fifteen of my closest friends. You do realize I have things going for me on the internet too, right? Did I ask you to whore yourself for me on our first date? No. Then why are you?

I am not a fan. I am someone you are dating. Save the promotion for your day job. How far you got in two years because of the thirty two articles you wrote is interesting, but we don’t want to read the articles. Pleasure and business do not mix, because somebody inevitably ends up feeling like a prostitute when the relationship is over.

Whatever and whoever you are online is your persona. No matter how ‘real‘ you are, you still have the freedom to edit yourself and every interaction. We do not want the edit. We want the actual person. Mention whatever your internet interests are with tact and brevity, list the website, and leave it at that. That is it. If we want to know more, we will ask. Do not include every detail of your internet career in your freestyle bio.

Offender 2-Are you in a band?

--No, we are not going to download your music off itunes. If we are female and the relationship fails, it would only remind us of that. Unload the music on us later, once we have gotten to know you as YOU. Believe me, Spudnik, we’ll be more impressed with the musical side of you once we know YOU you. Do not include or pimp your music in your freestyle bio beyond mentioning what you play and the band name.

Offender 3-Do you have 10 level 80’s on World of Whorecraft?

--Who gives a shit, besides your guild? Unless you are both Wo-Ho’s, mentioning you play should be as far as you go. Take my word for it, she/he has no clue what the hell you are talking about.

I know, I know. They said, “That’s cool.”

They lied.

That’s cool is code for ‘That‘s nice, but I don’t care.‘
Only pursue the subject if THEY further it (questions or comments) after you mention it. There is nothing more boring to someone who is not a Wo-Ho than listening to someone else try to put in words their Wo-Ho joys and tribulations. Do not mention WoW twice in your freestyle bio.

Offender 4-Are you fifteen different profiles of varying ethnicity and sexual orientation?

--Wow. That’s cool. So you can literally have group sex and go screw yourself, but it still counts as masturbation. Only include the sexual orientation in your freestyle bio. Otherwise we will wonder why you have four profiles that are Thai women, two that are bull dykes from Virginia, and one account for each of your nuts, Sid and Shifty.

Offender 5-Are you a hot chick?

--That is great. No, really. It is amazing how long you can hold that position, but the world does not revolve around you no matter how many thousands of friends you have. Talking about how hot you are or how hot other people think you are is like watching an elephant at the zoo. Might kickass to look at and occasionally listen to, but I don’t want to take it home with me permanently because it‘s just not worth all the damn trouble. And complaining about how hot you are? Nobody bought it the first time. Drop it and be genuine. We've got eyes. We know your breasts and lips are perfect. Now, we want to reach a little higher.

3. What you see is not always what you get

--So do not be surprised. Be flexible. It's like ebay.  Might have a little wear and tear, but it could the only one left of it's kind.  If you are smart, you will look past ten extra pounds, breasts that might not be as perky as they once were, or a guy whose six pack has dwindled to one of the midget packs my husband buys for me.  Be FLEXIBLE.  It might be the best decision you ever made.

And if you do not post current photos because of some unwanted physical aspect, tell the person. Otherwise, you set yourself up for a bitter evening, and half of the pain from that night is your own doing. Not everyone will be flexible, so avoid the pain by being honest.

4. The Three Day Rule

--On the internet, the three day rule for calling somebody back does not apply. If you have gotten a message, respond in four to six hours after receipt.

Why you should: most websites include a last login, so if you login and do not respond, the potential love interest will know you intentionally ignored them. Even a ‘Hey, really tired, so I’ll respond to your email in the morning. Gotta get to bed before I drop.‘ is better than reading it and flat out ignoring it.

This does not apply to text messages or offline IM’s. Ignore those at your own risk.

Cell phones make men and women crazy, because they are associated with instant access. Or actually, they just make it possible to put crazy on Speed Dial when aforementioned access is denied.

Any response that is not immediate is annoying or worrisome, because everyone is cybernetically trackable these days. I am telling you it is far, far easier to respond with a quick message, than to ignore 22 messages in a row. A lot of plans charge to receive texts, and let’s face it-- a hysterical person can get text happy and send the following:

     8:02-Hey.

     8:02-I had a lot of fun last night. Miss u.

     8:04-Z that chee-Z? Lol!

     8:10-U there?

     8:11-Txt me bak wen u get dis

     8:17-?

     8:25-Where r u?

     8:26-U stll comin?

     8:40-Gettn worried

     8:45-Calld u job. U not there?

     8:51-Where r u?

     8:52-??

     8:59-Call me wen u get dis

     9:00-Dc what time it z, call pls

     11:00-R u mad @ me?

     11:13-What did I do?

     12:00-If u didn’t want 2 c me nemore, u cud have jus said so.

     1:34-Fuk u. I don’t haf 2 take dis.

     2:02-And yeah, it Z too small. I‘d say never to show nobody, but u ain‘t got dat problem as it is!

     2:03-I’m deletin u 4m my phone. Bye.

     2:10-U there?

Save yourself a lot of trouble by being true to your word. It will save you a potential headache. Guys, I am serious. The drama you get when you do not call or show up as you said is 100% preventable by you.  Ladies, that fact does NOT let you off the hook.  More on that in a moment.

Online dating makes this situation EASIER, not harder, folks.

To demonstrate a genuine care for someone, try to contact them in at least two ways if you cannot get a hold of them using one form of technology. Voicemail and email, text and myspace, text and offline, voicemail and offline, whichever you choose is fine, but make sure it is not voicemail and text, because if their phone is broken, they will get neither message.

And it is completely possible for a sane, logical person to send half of the above conversation. They are invested in you, so they can be concerned or worry. You have 100% control of how much they will worry, so keep that in mind. If you cannot call from your phone because it is broken, borrow one. Make the effort, because they’re making the emotional investment.

For the frequent texters, stick your thumbs in ice water after the first five messages. If you can't ice your thumbs, sit on them, paint your nails, burn 'em on the stove, disable T9 if you're illiterate, suck 'em; do what you have to do not to harrass somebody with what is supposed to be an expression of caring about them. If they still have not responded after five message, use common sense.
         A) They cannot
         B) They will not

Those are the possibilities. And BOTH of those scenarios are out of your control.  2 or 20 text messages will not change that. Quit scaring people away with your neediness. You are better than that, so be better than that.

5. Do not kiss and tell

Something to consider about relationship privacy

--The beginning of a relationship is very fragile and intimate. Sharing that with the world as it happens puts pressure on both, because you inevitably end up with too many stay-at-home psychiatrists reviewing your relationship.  Confiding on the phone to a friend or in IM is different for the fact that it is not public and permanent.  What if the new person doesn’t want to be twittered about? Or blogged about? Or as two verses in your latest song? How can it be intimate if it’s gotten 200 views today, alone? The glue in the beginning of the relationship is the secret world only the two of you are aware of. Be selfish about it.

Try keeping a Microsoft Works Diary to record the moment, and post after a reasonable amount of time has passed (days, weeks, months, depends on the two of you).  This way the interaction stays intimate and personal long enough that a healthy bond is established from it. You will know the time has come to post it when you both stumble over each other’s words to laughingly tell others how the two of you came about. It is completely normal to want to share your happiness, but know when to lock your lips and keep your lover to yourself and when it is time to share.

6. Mutual friends

--Do not contact mutual friends or other close friends of the person you are interested in to find out what they think of you. Not only do you put the friends in a difficult position, but you also demonstrate a lack of trust. It comes off unsettling, and will look desperate. Yep, that’s pretty much it.

7. Do not stalk their Ex

--Many people will remain friends with their exes, and have them on their friendlist on websites. Checking once, just once, will become a habit. You will feel compelled to keep checking to make sure there is nothing untoward going on, and you will eventually become convinced there IS something going on, even if there is not. Once somebody suspects that their mate is cheating, it is almost impossible to accept any other possibility.

     ‘I didn’t catch you…this time.’

     ‘Just because you’re not doing it right now doesn’t mean you aren’t doing it.’

The only cure is also the cancer. Once that suspicion is fostered, for many the only way to break it is to get it from the horse’s mouth via sneaky methods (checking texts, spying on IM‘s, listening by the bedroom door to phone calls), and by then you have already sentenced your relationship to a slow painful death because you decided to be nosey instead of having a little faith in someone. Only suspect the worst when there is a cause for it. Their ex being hot in their profile pic does not qualify.

8. Do not Bitch and Tell

--Yes, there is a reason this comes directly after not stalking an ex, so take heed. The first fight in a relationship is important, and much like a first orgasm. It is fragile for the very fact that neither of you know what to expect from the other, yet. Talking about it in a blog during the fight will make the person wonder if that is what they can expect every time: Are you always going to do this? Are we never to have privacy during intimate issues?

What is more important? Putting it online to get sympathy and pats on the back from fifty people you kinda know, or to work on it with the person you are in the relationship with and forget why you fought in the first place?

Inviting spectators into an ongoing situation to play supportive roles and stroke your sense of being right will divide you from your love interest, rather than draw you closer to them.

The cardinal rule for relationship blogging is never blog about an ongoing fight. Share after you have reached a resolution, if you must.

You can think I am being cruel, but I have watched many a couple sour and become enemies for doing that very thing. Sitting here counting, I can pull to mind nine couples who went out with a cyber bang and inadvertently drug whole circles of people into their own, personal Vesuvius before the relationships had even cooled and the remnant of the last time they got jiggy made it to the dumpster.

Keep it personal (diary, OFFLINE friends, etc) until it (the fight) is over. If you want advice immediately, call a friend or discuss it over IM. Publicising will get a response, and many online friends will feel obligated to bash your love interest to make you feel better. A few will even get rabid about it (One woman I know literally messaged every female on her friends‘ exes list to tell them why the relationship ended. About 70 women, and this was before the group mail option).

It doesn’t matter how many people tell you that you are right, because they are not the ones who suck, fuck, and tuck you into bed, now are they?

9. Don’t join all of the websites they are on

--This is like smothering someone in person by calling and showing up everywhere. The internet is a big place. Being on six of the eight websites an interest is isolating and stiffling, not to mention really goddamn annoying.

No matter what your intentions, it feels like you’re keeping tabs. Having a few in common is fine, but not all. Do not force your way into someone's life.

10. The internet is not mighty putty

--Take a step back and evaluate the role technology plays in your life. If you lost your job or had to move somewhere without internet access, would your relationship survive? Money and distance have been hurdles for many couples, yet they still managed to make it without the internet. Technology is a tool, a convenience, not a crutch.

The internet is a substitute for in-person interaction. It does not replace any of the duties you have in a relationship. Think about this: If someone used a text message to break up with you, were you really together? Have you fought about a top friends position? Do you bend the rules of your relationship where cyber sex is concerned? Do you have nude photos your mate does not know about? Have you worried extensively over a comment on your mate's profile, pondering all possible significance of the word 'hottie'?

Do not let the internet define where the emphasis is in your relationship. Your relationship must be stable OUTSIDE of the internet, first. If you meet online, take your relationship offline to stabilize it. Unplug and go off the grid so you can get to know each other as a couple (be selfish!), and not just what your expectations are of each other. Expectations do not a relationship make, particularly if those expectations never have the chance to be realized.

Make sure you are solid offline, and then go back to internet communication, but keep part of yourselves offline. I talk about my husband a lot, but there are things - personal things - between us none of you will ever know. Be stable offline first, otherwise you are building a house on sand. You might have the materials, but stability takes elbow grease of the sexual, emotional, and mental compatibility kind. Until you're confident in being a couple offline, the big bad wolf can blow you down should your internet or phone be out of commission.

What’s that mean? It means a hurricane can end your relationship. A power outage can end your relationship. A late bill payment can end your relationship. Wouldn’t you rather it were you and your mate with the sole power of determining the success of your relationship?

1. Internet Advice

-And lastly, but most importantly, make sure you take anything you read on the internet with a grain of salt, even this. It doesn’t matter if the author writes for Marie Claire, Maxim, or Stuff. It will never all apply to YOU.

Many writers will prey on fears that are natural to every couple. It is the name of the game. You are the only one who controls how much these people influence your relationships. Type it with me.  Y-O-U...

Online Dating, a How-To Guide!

Online Dating.

The idea connotes much more than it used to.  Stigma, what stigma?  Internet Dating has moved on to realms we don’t even think of as internet dating, but it is. It is easier to ask somebody for a webpage or the ever-faithful “Do you get texts?”, because it is less threatening. So, even people who meet in person eventually interact online as a third of their beginning relationship. Yes, I pulled that figure right out of my ass, but I wanted to drive the point home. It is not founded in science, and if you claim it is, people will laugh at you, myself included.  

But how many of you send emails, texts, IM’s to your insignificant other? It is natural to do, now.

Cannot make a date? Text.

Want to confirm the date? Myspace.

Need to talk, but afraid you will lose the nerve? IM

Technology has become our dating middle-man in the beginning of a relationship. People even use text messages to break up. “Fwd: You’ve been run over by the dump train, puto! Casualties? Just you!”

Dating has evolved online. Where once sexual deviants roamed…well, they still roam, but it is no longer taboo to date someone you met online. Just like all other aspects of life, there are downsides. With the evolution of dating technology comes tactics that are already worn out and situations you really should have avoided altogether.

Don’t I know you?

-We have all had this conversation:

     Southern Gentleman: Hey, thanks for the add. How are you? What’s up?

     Single N’ Minglin’: I’m good. You?

     Southern Gentleman: I’m good, too. Just chillin’. What did you do this weekend?

     Single N’ Minglin’: Not much. You?

     Southern Gentleman: Same here. So, what are you looking for?

     Single N’ Minglin’: Nothing, really. Why?

     Southern Gentleman: Oh, no reason. Just trying to get to know you.

     Single N‘ Minglin‘: Oh, well, then I guess in a guy I’d look for somebody with a good sense of humor, attentive, doesn’t play games. I guess that’d make me picky, but I prefer to think of it as knowing what I want.”

     Southern Gentleman: That’s cool. I’m looking for the same.

The problem: You are starting a conversation in a way that we, particularly on networking sites, have had many variations of. You are literally just a number, and anybody tired of it will respond a few times to be polite, then flat out ignore you.
The solution: Find a way to stand out.  To do this begin by talking about something specific other than 'how work was', 'what you do this weekend', or 'what do you do for fun'.

Instead, think harmless specifics:
     Fun
     Food
     Fashion
     Frequency.
Yeah, about all the F's...I figured I'd start with F words, and if you follow my guidelines, you might get lucky and end with one. 
FUN-Don not ask what she does for fun. Tell her what you get the biggest kick out of, and see if she can relate.

--“My daughter, son, and I play the old school Super Mario Bros. every Monday night, as long as they’ve done all their homework.

(You have just mentioned you have children without apologizing or sounding defensive. Double plus, + +)

--“Last week, she and her older brother fixed snacks for Mario Mondays. M&M’s and popcorn in the same bowl. All the M&M’s sank to the bottom before the first level was over. Next week, they’re plotting the addition of marshmallow crème…”

(You have shared a normal, every day situation and kept it concise, which invites the other person to respond and possibly share an experience of their own. In this instance, you can learn a lot about how people feel dating someone with children by how they respond. Someone who has practical experience with kids or likes kid will share a story remarkably similar to yours or see the humor in the situation. Someone who doesn’t like kids will find it an opportunity to complain. Think of it as a bullshit filter.)

FOOD-Instead of asking her favorite food, tell her a disastrous story about a time you tried to cook or a funny story about a place you have eaten at.

--“I had to re-paint my kitchen, after that…”

--“I laughed and told her not to worry about it. It’d wash out, and nobody would see it until I stood up, anyways…”

FASHION-Does your fashion consist of everything Amy at the mall recommends? Say that. It is not bad to be uninvolved with fashion, or to let people know your dark secret, either. Some ineptitude is actually endearing.

FREQUENCY-Anything you do regularly (baseball games, karaoke nights, dancing, laser tag, air hockey at the volunteer center, etc) can be a way to establish interest in a non-threatening manner.

--“Hey. My friends and I normally get together every other Tuesday at Sumo Joe’s. It’s got the best ribs in town. You should meet us there, and bring a few of your friends. We’ll have a helluva good time.”

You have just established:

     A) Separate vehicles

     B) Public meeting

     C) His and Hers friends (Who will then screen you. Your willingness to endure that speaks highly of your belief in self, and shows you know how to defuse pressure in a dating situation.)

     D) Relaxed atmosphere (Helluva is a good icebreaker for the simple fact that it is somewhat neutral, but still a word you don’t want to teach kids ten and under. By using it, you establish adult conversation and atmosphere immediately, but still have a somewhat non-potty mouth.)

Freestyle Bio

So, what is a freestyle bio? Well, when someone introduces themselves to you online in paragraph form to give you the condensed version of who they are, that is their freestyle bio. Some will literally divulge their entire lives in a freestyle bio which has been sent out so many times words have been chiseled off by negligent fingers during the pasting process. They are meant to impress, but they often end up with the opposite reaction.  Guys seem to do this more than women, so I have come to think of them as Summary of Penis Application & Management.  SPAM for short, as they share similar traits with mass emailers. 

The problem: Prospects are eager to prove how normal they are, yet still seem far superior to anyone else,  so while trying to do this they end up sending vast amounts of information singles do not give a shit about. She does not care you medaled four times in track during high school. She hasn’t even said hello back, yet. He does not care you kicked your previous boyfriend out for putting nair on your Shitzu. He hasn’t even seen your Facebook boobs pic, yet.

Slap them with the interesting, yet SHORT. An introductory email should include tidbits, not a chronological outline of every major and minor event to occur in your 46 years of existence. You’ve been divorced five years? Fine. We do not need to know your ex had a child behind your back with (insert family member here). Save that for mutual Scare-n-Share time, LATER. Trust me, we’ve got a few skeletons in our closet, too.

The solution: